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November 05 Sweet! I was randomly singing to rhuin because he was gonna sleep. So i was singing the somewhere over the rainbow~~ song. And then... justin says: you sing very axccurately in english ღミ★☆Çhïåw ¥££☆★彡ღ♫♪✖a small wish...ღ *♥ says: justin says: why are you frowning when you sing ღミ★☆Çhïåw ¥££☆★彡ღ♫♪✖a small wish...ღ *♥ says: do i? justin says: you sound american not when u talk when u talk you sound very asian when u sing justin says: you sound american Isn't that sweeeeeeet? =D I sound american when i sing english songs! So i can perform in australia!!! =D *happy* *self esteem fed* November 01 The break-up This is a movie that closely relates to my relationship. A man and a woman who really love each other. The man that really just wants to make the woman smile. He really just wants to make the woman to be happy. The moment he saw the woman cry, it was really the worst moment in his life. The woman who wants to take care of her boyfriend. She really just wants to do the best for the relationship. But they always quarrel. Why? Because the woman wants the man to willingly do housework for her as she is also working and is cooking and is tired. She just wants someone to help her and care for her willingly. She wants him to WANT to have the initiative to do things. The man feels that as long as he does things that she wants him to do, it's good enough. And she shouldn't take his action for granted and she should be more grateful. And so, they broke up. Both of them are hurt. They love each other. But they have no idea what to do... What should i do? I was crying so hard just now when i was watching the movie and having some probs with Tom. and i continued to watch the movie. The guy finally realises that he's so self-righteous. He told the girl that he is willing to learn things the she likes because it's not bout liking those things, it's bout doing things with the person you love. All because he loves her. He promised her that he will do whatever he needs to do to make sure that he'll never hurt her again... What a sweet promise. *sighs* But, the girl was so hurt, that she doesn't think she has anything to give anymore... So, they broke up... They're still friends... Is it a happy ending? Socialable vs self-principle I recently made some new friends, i am not naming them. Not really new friends, we have been friends but more contact lately. I am not gonna hint on how. Anyway, like a friend has a party and whatnot, and he didn't invite me, he told another friend that he invited that it's because he thinks it's not my scene. I mean, come on lah, us HTYX had some crazy moments together, drinking and playing and whatnot. But, guess nothing like what they do. I mean, they smoke and.. u know, shit like that. And then, i know there are a lot of things that i don't know. I mean, Ingsiang used to tell me that us chms students are very sheltered and we don't really know how the world looks like outside. Especially us who has always been in A B classes, our study life was just studying and studying. Shopping, watching movies, studying... NOW i can deeply feel what he said, cos these friends have been telling me lots of stuff that i feel like, ''WHAT??'' I mean, a lot of things i thought they only exist in movies. And then, they will be going clubbing but none invited me... maybe they think it's not my type of thing since i am miss. goodie-goodie. =.= I love dancing okay! I just don't drink that much. I mean i can drink if i want to but i won't let myself get more than tipsy cos i feel insecure. I don't know if they feel the same, maybe they just like drugs and getting drunk.. Argh, dono la. They said i should try drug at least once in my lifetime. But, altho i like to try things out, i know there are some things, like cigarrette and drugs, i really am not gonna touch at all. I don't need that kind of experience. When i asked rhuin am i really THAT boring, he said i am just reserved. I asked him whether it's good or bad. He said socially wise it's bad, but health wise it's good. Does that mean i won't have friends? =( *sighs* Am i really a wierdo??? October 29 I love Tom I love Tom. I do... Though sometimes i don't know if it's a good thing. But yes, i do. I am so grateful I am so grateful that everything is going smoothly. I am so grateful that i have everything i ever wanted for. I am so grateful =D God bless. October 28 Such a long day. Well erm, today... It started quite, i don't know. I dreamt that i got a message from him, so i woke up and i didn't. Of course i didn't. I was really really upset and mad and pissed and angry and, you name it - at him. Forget that, then i tried to DDR for half an hour to sweat, but i was like kinda bothered so i didn't enjoy what i was doing - oh well. I tried to persuade and beg myself to stay positive cos i know i can do it. And i just don't want to think bout him anymore. A lil voice in me is scared that if i ignore him or don't pretend to forgive him he is going to leave me like last time. But a louder voice told the small voice that IF he is really gonna leave so unreasonably, then just let him go, there is probably someone else better, if that person is not him. Yes, as usual, heart lost to brain. Too bad heart is the one feeling all the emotions eh? Huwaidah said i should probably journal down how i felt when he blurted out ''you're far from perfect'', because brain just wants to be right, but heart doesn't care whether it is right or wrong, it can't judge, it is only interested in the truth. Lol, what's the truth? That he thinks i am perfect and he's just angry at that moment so he simply blurts things? I don't think so. Or the truth is i should accept i m TOO imperfect? I mean i know i am not perfect, obviously, no one is perfectly perfect, like my sister said. AND, everyone's definition of perfect is different, but how can u possibly say that to a perfectionist? When all she wants is to be perfect in every field that she can be arsed. But whatever, seriously. Forget it. I had a hecticly busy day at work. Things are fine, i was being such an apple green. I am surprised at how much apple green i have in me. I know, all these bout colours, lol, i shall blog bout my cv 2 soon. I have been wanting to do it but it's really tiring cos it's long and stuff and yeah. I will do it soon. And then, Khalila asked if i wanna follow them to send Mr. G off. Well the reason why i don't wanna mention his name is because there's no reason. I just, don't feel like it. I am quite sensitive bout guy's name on my blog. Yeah right, i don't know what i mean. Lol. Whatever. And then, Joanne's car kinda... scratched another car. Her car is a damn Merc Benz. Shit!!! I felt kinda sorry. I don't know.. And i was a bit scared and panicked, so i don't know why i messaged him. And he called back after a while, sounding a bit worried. Not sure if he's faked it though, maybe not. Or is it just a typical 'how-are-you' thing. Donoo. And he said something that touched me a bit which is something like ''you know it means everything to me for you to be all right''. Yeah it's a lil sweet. But he didn apologize bout it much. Sigh. He probably doesn't understand how badly it hurts me. I am still angry. yes. OH ya, met a new friend during lunch. Joanne introduced me to him, Mr. J. Lol. We kinda argued bout some stuff, not serious ones, more like debate. Sometimes i am amazed by how i can debate when i know such limited info? Well i am not gonna blog bout what we argued about, its bout an international bank's internal policy. Probably boring anyway. But i told him something like... I asked him whether it's possible for someone to be a lawyer PART-TIME because maybe she wants to do other stuff as well. He asked me to define it better and i said, maybe when she proves herself capable, she can just take a lil case and not earn that much and have flexible working time? He said theoretically it is impossible because no employer would want that, but practically there IS a lawyer doing that but because he's a partner so yeah.. But of course when you are a partner you have to see whether other partners are agreeable to it unless you are a MANAGING partner, and of course when you are a managing partner you can do whatever you want. So conclusion it's not likely to be possible. I changed my statement to what if, WHAT IF, i don't care bout the money and i only get paid when i win the criminal case? ( Well obviously if i am doing conveyancing or debt recoveries it can't be a part-time cos there are so small and so many to do!) And he said, then you still gonna show that you are good at it. Cos a lawyer is a liability if he only wins 50% of the cases, even if he wins 70%, he is still a liability. I said it is not very possible for someone to win all cases. He said yeah, but when you lose you are a liability. He asked : Would you want to hire someone and only pay them if they win but they are not that good? Me : No. But if i were a managing partner / owner and i have a lot of other lawyers, i wouldnt mind taking in a GOOD part-time lawyer to help me fight for some of the cases as long as SHE does her job well. I went on saying it's really not about the money that i'd be earning. I mean i don't care much bout the money, of course i need to settle my loan and shit, but, money is not everything. Enough to shop and pay loan and survive is good enough. It's more like, i am chasing for a dream in life. Not the money i get behind the dream but the satisfaction. He said something like '' For a girl to have such thinking like you, you must have been brought up in a very rich family. " I said no. I am just a dreamer that's all. I am idyllist. Very idyllistic. I don't think anything is THAT impossible if it's not money issue? I mean ofcourse it's sorta hard for you to GET MONEY just like that, but, now i've learned, if you really wanti t, you will find ways, you will attract your resource. But money is still quite hard, however, if the thing you dream for, is not concerning money, IT IS DEFINITELY NOT IMPOSSIBLE. Why is it impossible? JUST GO DO IT. And what i want is, to be a singer, and a lawyer. If i don't get either one i will feel empty. Imagine, if i am a singer, full-time sorta singer. I will feel that i am so clever and talented but it's all useless because i am only singing. I am so strategic and i have so many ideas and opinions but they can't be put on use!! It's gonna be a regret, because i KNOW i can make a difference. Everyone can, as long as they are courageous enough to stand up and shine. Imagine, if i am a lawyer, full-time lawyer, I will feel so sorry for myself too because I KNOW i have a voice that will make people go ''wow'', but i don't use it. My singing skills might not be good at all anymore, well i am not trained, never done any courses bout singing and i haven't been performing for quite some months so i need time to sharpen up my singing skills, but, the voice. It's the voice. Because normally when people go ''wow'' and clapped, it's when i am singing the 2nd line, its not like you can judge someone's skills when they're only up to 2nd line, so yeah. It's the voice. I will feel too professional if i am a lawyer, and i know a voice deep inside want to sing out loud to everyone. It's gonna be so sad if i can't. I don't know which one i like more, and i have been trying to like neither because the energy is scaring me. But now, why not? I am very sure i don't want a degree in music cos you don't fucking need a degree in that to be a singer. I want a degree in law cos i love it. But, can i work as a lawyer and sing at the same time? I asked a colleague, she told me, in Brunei, there's a lawyer who released an album so WHY is it impossible? Lol. It's totally possible. Because there's a bloody real example right infront of me. If i have a chance i really would like to write to him and ask him bout how he feels. =) But.. he's a partner tho.. not just a lawyer. I feel very empowered because i know i can dream on at all cost. You cant summon me for dreaming can you? =p Love...爱的感觉，总是在一开始觉得很甜蜜，总觉得多一个人陪、 多一个人帮你分担，你终於不再孤单了，至少有一个人想著你、恋著你，不论做什么事情， 只要能一起，就是好的，但是慢慢的，随著彼此的认识愈深，你开始发现了对方的缺点，於是问题一个接著一个发生，你开始烦、累，甚至想要逃避，有人说爱情就像在捡石头，总想捡到一个适合自己的，但是你又如何知道什么时候能够捡到呢？ The feeling of love, at first it’s always sweet, you feel as if someone is accompanying you, someone is carrying your burden with you, finally you’re not lonely anymore, at least there’s someone missing you, thinking of you, no matter what you are doing, you just wanna be with him/her. Then slowly, when you get to know her more, you realize her flaws. Hence, problems come one by one. You feel bothered, you feel exasperated, you want to hide. Someone said, love is like picking a stone. Everyone wants to pick a stone that is suitable for themselves. But, how do you know when can you pick it? *她适合你，那你又适合她吗? 其实，爱情就像磨石子一样，或许刚捡到的时候，你不是那 么的满意，但是记住人是有弹性的， 很多事情是可以改变的，只要你有心、有勇气，与其到处去捡未知的石头，还不如好好的将自己已经拥有的石头磨亮磨，你开始磨了吗？很多人以为是因为感情淡了，所以人才会变得懒惰。错！其实是人先被惰性征服，所以感情才会变淡的。 If she is suitable for you, are you suitable for her? Love is just like cutting a stone. Maybe when u first found the stone, you’re not that satisfied, but remember, we’re all flexible, a lot of things can be changed. As long as you have the will and the courage to do it. Instead of keep finding stones that you don’t know whether they exist, it is better if you try to cut the stone you already own to perfect shape. Have you started cutting your stone? A lot of people think it is because love has fade, so couples turn lazy. WRONG! It is because people get lazy, thus love fades. *在某个聚餐的场合, 有人提议多吃点虾子对身体好， 这时候有个中年男人忽然说「十年前，当我老婆还是我的女 朋友的时候，她说要吃十只虾，我就剥二十只给她！ 现在，如果她要我帮她剥虾壳，开玩笑！我连帮她脱衣服都没兴趣了，还剥虾壳咧！ At a public event, someone suggested eating prawns is good for health. There’s this middle aged man who suddenly blurted, ‘’ten years ago, when my wife was still my girlfriend, she said she wanted to eat 10 prawns, and I will open take off the shells of 20 prawns for her! Now, if she still wants me to take off the shells for her, SHES GOTTA BE KIDDING. I don’t even wanna take off her shirt anymore! What more to say?’’ *听到了吗？明白了吗？难怪越来越多人只想要谈一辈子的 恋爱，却迟迟不肯走入婚姻。因为，婚姻容易让人变得懒惰。 Have you heard that? Do you understand it? No wonder more and more people want to just be in a relationship with the other half forever, they don’t wanna get married. Because marriage makes people lazy. 如果每个人都: - 懒得讲话、 - 懒得倾听、 - 懒得制造惊喜、 - 懒得温柔体贴， If everyone would : - Lazy to talk - Lazy to listen - Lazy to create surprise 那么夫妻或是情人之间，又怎么会不渐行渐远渐无声呢？所 以请记住： Then how can the married couples love don’t fade? So, remember : 有活力的爱情，是需要适度殷勤灌溉的，谈恋爱，更是不可 以偷懒的喔！ An active love needs constant hard work, you can’t be lazy in a relationship! *有一对情侣，相约下班後去用餐、逛街，可是女孩因为公 司会议而延误了， 当她冒著雨赶到的时候已经迟到了30多分钟， 他的男朋友很不高兴的说： 你每次都这样，现在我甚么心情也没了， 我以後再也不会等你了！ 刹那间，女孩终於决堤崩溃了， 她心里在想：或许，他们再也没有未来了 There is a couple who decided to go for dinner after work, and shopping after that. But, the girl can’t make it on time because of a company meeting. When she rushed to the venue, she was soaked in rain and 30 minutes late. Her boyfriend is very unhappy and said : “You’re always like this. Now you ruined my mood. I won’t wait for you anymore!” At that moment, the girl gave up. She thought : “Maybe, we don’t have a future”. *同样的在同一个地点，另一对情侣也面临同样的处境； 女孩赶到的时候也迟到了半个钟头，他的男朋友说：我想你 一定忙坏了吧！ 接著他为女孩拭去脸上的雨水，并且脱去外套盖在女孩身上， 此刻，女孩流泪了, 但是流过她脸颊的泪却是温馨的。 The same venue, another couple is in the exact same situation, the girl rushed to the venue, also late for 30 minutes. Her boyfriend said : “Poor thing, you must have been so busy!” after that, he wiped away the raindrops on the girlfriend’s cheek and took off his own jacket and put it on his girlfriend. That moment, the girl wept, but the teardrops on her cheek is warm. 你体会到了吗？ Can you feel it now? *其实爱、恨往往只是在我们的一念之间！爱不仅要懂得宽 容更要及时， 很多事可能只是在於你心境的转变罢了！懂了吗？当有个人爱上你，而你也觉得他不错。那并不代表你会选择他。 Actually, love, hate, it’s just our thought, there is a very fine line between hate and love. Love is not just about forgiving, but forgiving ON time, a lot of things happened just because of your thoughts. Understand? If someone loves you, and you think he’s not bad, you might not choose him. *我们总说：我要找一个你很爱很爱的人，才会谈恋爱。但 是当对方问你，怎样才算是很爱很爱的时候，你可能无法回答他，因为你自己也不知道。 We always say, we gotta find a guy whom we really really love, then only we wanna be in a relationship. But, when they ask us, “How is ‘really really love’?” Maybe we can’t answer them, because we don’t know. *没错，我们总是以为，我们会找到一个自己很爱很爱的人 。可是後来，当我们猛然回首，我们才会发觉自己曾经多么天真。假如从来没有开始，你怎么知道自己会不会很爱很爱那个人呢？其实，很爱很爱的感觉，是要在一起经历了许多事情之後才会发现的。或许每个人都希望能够找到自己心目中百分之百的伴侣，但是你有没有想过在你身边会不会早已经有人默默对你付出很久了，只是你没发 觉而已呢？所以，还是仔细看看身边的人吧！他或许已经等你很久喽！ Right, we always think we will find someone whom we really really love. But later, when we finally wake up, we will realize that we have been so naïve. If we have never started, how would we know we won’t really really love the other half? Actually, the feeling of ‘really really love’ can only arise when you have been through a lot of things with him. Maybe everyone feel that they want to find their soul mate in life, 100% perfect one, but have you ever think about this : Maybe this girl/guy already exist, right beside you, and has been sacrificing and doing things for you for a very long time, but you just haven’t realize? So, please take a good look at people around you! Maybe he is already waiting for you! *当你爱一个人的时候，爱到八分绝对刚刚好。所有的期待 和希望都只有七八分；剩下两三分用来爱自己。如果你还继续爱得更多，很可能会给对方沉重的压力，让彼此喘不过气来， 完全丧失了爱情的乐趣。 When you really love someone, love them for 80%. All the expectations and anticipations you only give 80%, the rest of 20% is for us to love ourselves. If you love them too much, you stress them out, you make them suffocate. They’ll totally lose the fun in love. *所以请记住， So, remember, - 喝酒不要超过六分醉， - 吃饭不要超过七分饱， - 爱一个人不要超过八分 Don’t be more than 60%-70% drunk. When eating, don’t get fuller than 70%. When loving someone, don’t love more than 80%. *那天朋友问我：到底该怎么做才算是爱一个人呢？我笑著 跟他说：其实每个人的爱情观都不一样，说对了叫开导，但就怕说错反倒变成误导。那就糟糕了！ That day, a friend asked me : What should I do to prove that I really love someone? I smiled and told him, everyone’s view is different. If I guessed it right I’d be educating him, but if I guessed it wrong I’d be mis educating him! And the latter is really bad. *如果你也正在为爱迷惘，或许下面这段话可以给你一些启 示： 爱一个人， - 要了解，也要开解； - 要道歉，也要道谢； - 要认错，也要改错； - 要体贴，也要体谅； - 是接受，而不是忍受； - 是宽容，而不是纵容； - 是支持，而不是支配； - 是慰问，而不是质问； - 是倾诉，而不是控诉； - 是难忘，而不是遗忘； - 是彼此交流，而不是凡事交代； - 是为对方默默祈求 而不是向对方诸多要求； - 可以浪漫，但不要浪费； - 可以随时牵手，但不要随便分手。 If you are lost in love, here is some advice : To love someone, - You gotta understand, and you gotta make the other half understand. - You gotta apologize, and you gotta thank them too. - You gotta be considerate and understanding. - You gotta accept, instead of endure. - You gotta be forgiving, but not spoiling them. - You gotta support, but not command. - You gotta ask, but not interrogate. - You gotta tell them, but not complain to them. - You shouldn’t forget them. - You gotta communicate with each other, not just telling each other daily occurrences. - It’s to pray for each other, not to ask for things from each other. - You can be romantic, but don’t be a big spender. - You can hold your hands anytime, but simply say you wanna break up. Original message forwarded by : Queenie Chinese to English translation by : Catherine Tan Chiaw Yee October 27 A dialogue that struck me " Is it worth it? " " No. " " Ok then you're right. " " Thanks... " " Unless you love her. " " ...? " " Well, if you love her, you do stupid things. " I just feel that, i really really love him... *sigh* October 26 A song that touched me recently最幸福的事 Happiest moment 你撑着雨伞 接我那次 When you came fetch me with an umbrella 已经足够我 记得一辈子 That scene is enough for me to reminisce forever 我懂後来你 不是不坚持 I know, after that, it's not that you are not persistent 爱情本来就 没万无一失 It's just, it's how love is. 泪水离开了 你的手指 My tears left your finger 那不如让它 留在这信纸 Just let my tears stay in this letter 我想女孩子 最贴心的是 I think the most considerate thing bout a girl is that 让爱的人选 结束的方式 they allow their love ones to choose how to end it 我最幸福的事 当过你的天使 My happiest moment is that i've been your angel 趁鼻酸能掩饰 让我们像当时 拥抱最後一次 Since i still can hide my sob now, let's hug for the last time, like last time 最幸福的事 吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势 My happiest moment is when you make a sign to help me to make a wish when i blow off the candles 为挚爱的人 在左边心口保留位置 是最幸福的事 Keep a spot in the heart for my loved one, is my happiest moment 可惜爱不是 童话故事 Too bad, love is not a fairy tale 不能够永远 依赖着王子 I can't just be dependent on the prince forever 再难过其实 只剩两个字 No matter how sad, it's just a word 我怎麽忍心 为难你解释 How could i force you to explain? 我最幸福的事 当过你的天使 My happiest moment is that i've been your angel 趁鼻酸能掩饰 让我们像当时 拥抱最後一次 Since i still can hide my sob now, let's hug once last time, like last time 最幸福的事 吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势 My happiest moment is looking at the sign that you made showing that you helped me to make a wish when i blow off the candles 为挚爱的人 在左边心口保留位置 是最幸福的事 Save a spot in my heart for my loved one, is my happiest moment 那一阵子有你 美得不像现实 That time when i still had you, it's so beautiful, so beautiful that it doesn't look real 多高兴每一幕都微笑着静止 So happy that i can smile while looking at every scenes fade 我最幸福的事 牵着你的日子 My happiest moment is when i had you in my hand 一段爱从开始 即使分开我们 都对彼此诚实 This love story, from the start to the end we were being honest in each other 最幸福的事 对那片海用力大喊永远的样子 My happiest moment, that time when we were shouting to the sea that we will be each other's forever 想得起那时 那天和你傻笑着认识 My happiest moment, i still remember i was smiling like a silly when i first know you 是最幸福的事 My happiest moment... October 24 Friendster horoscope, STRIKES AGAIN!The Bottom LineYou'll get a charge out of connecting with others today -- get lost in the crowd. In DetailPassion is on the agenda -- serious passion. Now, this can go either way. It might mean you're so infatuated with someone that you can't even stand the thought of breathing if they're not in the room. It might also mean you're so furious with someone that you can't stand the thought of sharing the same air with them. Either way, you have to find a way to deal with this. It's not healthy. Hehehe... so am i having a crushhhh???? =p Nah, more like an unhealthy relationship that i just ended la. Don't think too much Hahaha...
I love you =) Don't misunderstand. Yes, i suggested a breakup. Or something like a time out. Because there's really no way we can continue this. Too many expectations from both sides, too many misunderstanding, too big differences. We should just slow down the pace and look around. I know you still love me, and i still love you too. But we need time. You need to meditate. You need to understand that when i am upset, i am not using my sadness to threaten you to apologize. And i need to understand that i shouldn't expect so much from you. And many thing else. We're still in good terms. I am not sure whether we're good friends. I don't know, he doesn't feel like a good friend to me. But nevertheless we're still in a complicated friendship. I don't know what will happen in the future, maybe when we're both ready, when we sort out our differences, then if you ask me, i will say yes =) Or, next year, when you come to melbourne? If we're meant to be, if we love each other till then, then we will be together. =) No point struggling. No point holding on just because of what other people think. No point holding on just because we've been together for 7 months. No point. It's good like this too. Then, i would have no stand to demand things from you, and you won't have to waste your energy on me if you don't want to. It's the time to see whether we really click, and whether our hearts belong to each other. Nothing can be worse, i think. October 23 Sick of things that i don't get from you It's definitely not me. It's you. You just won't give me care at all will you. Even if one of your friends changed their status to something boring like ''i am going to start doing my assignments'', you have stuff to comment. Or even when they say something like ''it's my life goal, i don't need you to like it'', you have a say on it. Everything basically, except mine. Lol. Forget it. I will not feel jealous and/or envious anymore, there's really no point torturing myself like that. The fact is you're not that attracted to my life and there's no way we can communicate cos you can't get my point. I am just gonna treasure those guys who reply on my statuses. I am just gonna find more of them. Doesn't have to be you anyway. And even keeping promise you can't do it. Say you're gonna call me, you're gonna stay up. Did you? Say you're gonna do this and that, did you? Lol. I shall be obliged if you can show me 3 promises that you kept. I can name you 30 that you didn't. I am used to it. I don't need anyone. No. I can't just keep tolerating someone who just won't keep their promises. If you are lying to me, you gotta be professional and responsible. If everyone's gonna be more important than me, then maybe if i am your friend, i'll be more important to you than now. PLEASE only keep me if you are going to treat me right. No free lunch under the sun, i worked hard. You should too. My good friends, they know me, and they acknowledge me by being myself, but they still think i am wonderful. But how bout you? What did you just say to me? Lol. Obviously i have an ugly soul. Then why do you still want me then? I am so ugly i only use mind tricks don't i? I am just gonna be ''upset'' and then force you to let me win don't i? Yeah, you DO think you know me don't you? Too bad you don't. As much as i don't know you, you don't know me too. Lol. Call me stupid for breaking up with you, but logging in to your fb to change everything so it looks the same. I am dumb. October 22 Pay forward - can you do it? Pay forward. How does it work? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn06FQbIRGU watch it. DO you believe it'll work? I do. I haven't watched that movie. I don't quite know what is it about. I just watched that preview and i cried. Because i am a receiver of someone paying forward. When my boss told me he's going to help me with my studies and no matter what no one can smash my dream like that, i said i would pay back once i start working. He said, ''don't pay back. Pay forward.'' I didn't understand, but now i do. What comes around goes around right? So if you start paying forward, i am sure one day you will be the receiver of it. It is really great because, everyone is good at different things, you are unique in your own way and sometimes you might be the ONLY one who can help in that particular matter. If you choose not to because of your own selfishness and negative thought, imagine how would you feel if someone can help you but they don't. I am sure you've ever felt so helpless and you've met people that can help but don't do. You know how it feels to be so helpless. Start paying forward by helping 3 people with someone that's really hard and they really can't do themselves. You'll be surprised. It goes very fast if everyone does it. Very fast... Pay forward. Do it. It feels amazing how the universe turns around and help you achieve your dream. But it's only possible if they're kind people who will do it. So you be the stimulant of kind people in the world. You help people, make them grateful and they will pay forward. I am sure they can help you somehow =) Although they're not supposed to pay back. Just like how i'll never ever forget my boss. He's sent me to these classes. He has changed my life and attitude. And then, he helped me with my dreams. How wonderful right? Just pay forward. October 21 More bout control freak. This is something i read online, it's a comment made by a control freak which I deeply agree in some ways. "Please take it easy on us. I’m not
trying to make you feel bad but obviously if we could control our behaviour we
would. Do you think control freaks who are also perfectionists want to look
like they are out of control of any situation. We don’t try to belittle you to
make ourselves feel better we do it because we’re trying to voice how we feel
about ourselves and tend to transfer it to the people we love and trust the
most, thinking they will be understanding. I am trying to seek help for my
husband’s sake so we can both be happy and as normal as possible. I truly
believe that this is more than us being “mean” or “abusive” but an actual
mental disorder like anxiety. Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on a group of
people without talking to them first and trying to understand where they are
coming form as well. You tell people to “walk out” or to “leave the situation”
but I believe that is the worst thing to do. I know in my case I appreciate
when my husband explains his point of view because I do love him and don’t want
to see him hurt but I also have come to conclusions in my head that “must” be
the case because he didn’t react or do what I was expecting. Every time he has
stopped and said “honey, I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was…” I stop
trying to be in control and in turn feel comforted and nurtured which is what
I’m striving for in the first place. First thing i really agree about is - Many of the times we're NOT trying to step on other people and have control over them. We're just using a harsh way to make them say what they think about. I really don't like it when people don't explain bout stuff. But sometimes when i am heated up, i just simply make assumptions to make that person angry so he would say ''I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, WHAT I MEAN WAS BLA BLA BLA'' and most of the time when he tells me what he means i ACTUALLY listen and i feel nurtured as he explains. This is very true. We just want them to share their feelings and thoughts. Second thing is i HATE to be control of things. I mean relationship wise. I really wish i don't have to control and keep in check of everything. It makes me sick the way i have to WORK THINGS OUT for them to work out. It's very sickening. I hope i will find someone who will just click and just be like my pace and rhythm so i won't feel like i am dragging someone while i am trying to move forward. Just hope things will change soon.
October 20 It's all bout being in control Guys and girls, first of all, check whether you're a control freak.
Not even half! Well close to half! Hahaha. I am a perfectionist and my own worst critic. Correct. But i DO trust people. As in, i trust that people won't lie to me. BUT. I don't trust people will get things done. I tend to feel that I AM THE ONLY ONE who feels responsible, and will get things done, if not, only a few others can cope with getting things done. Okay now, results out... Let's see. You Are 44% Control FreakGenerally, you are in control but not a control freak. You life is usually in order.However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect. I knowwww.... I want everything to be perfect. =( So now i know my situation... how do i cure it? "It has been found, that the main need to control is driven by anxiety, though a Control Freak would never recognize this, and even if they did, they would deny it. At work, they worry about failure. In their relationship they dread that they will not have their needs met, or that they will not be good enough. In order to keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they feel they only way to avoid feeling those emotions is to control the people or things around them. They have a harder time than most normal people when it comes to negotiating or compromising, because it would mean they would have to give up some of their control, and it would also implicate that they are not perfect, and Control Freaks H-A-T-E imperfection. If you can’t tell, or don’t know already, this can make them hard to live with. Whether you are working with them, living with them, or just plain stuck in a circle that involves them." shit... so much like me... Okay i am not gonna finish the article tonight, it's such a long one. I shall keep the solutions to myself so no one can take control over me. MWAHAHHAA. Good night. ( I know right, i keep things hanging ) October 19 I always have to strive. Why? You know, something happened recently and despite all the crying and shit, i still have to strive to get out of this mess, or turn this mess into something less unpleasant. I hate it when i have to strive for stuff. Because i KNOW if it happens to others, they will just sit there and cry. I want to just sit there and cry too. But i can't. Because if I do, things wont work out at all. I mean, if Tom is someone more determined and knows what he want and just strive his best to do it, i am sure i can just cry and believe that he can work things out. But i guess, i believe myself more than anything? And if someone can do something to change it, i believe i am the one? So, yeah maybe not totally his fault. *sigh* but i wish i have someone whom i don't need to worry bout you know? Just like, for example, if i am dueting with pei yi i wouldnt need to worry bout her, just worry bout myself. And if i am hosting a show with derick i wouldnt need to worry that everything is unprepared for, because he is someone who is responsible and i know he makes plans. It's a feeling of security i am talking bout here. I think it's very important that your bf can give you that security so that you can at least trust? Not like i distrust people, there ARE people whom i trust, and they are others whom i trust that THEY WILL MESS UP. Don't take things personally i am not saying Tom always mess things up okay. I am not referring to anyone at the moment. Too lazy to think of someone that soi. So yeah the security, i hope i will eventually feel that? Like, this is supposed to be his prob with his family, why am i so freaking worried and trying so hard to find a solution now? I mean its somehow bout me also lah i know, if chiawyee doesn't exist i am sure this prob won't exist. But sometimes, i wish to just cry and then some others will just take care of the problem ya know? Just like other girls... Don't need to be strong. I am tired of being strong. Tired of being capable. Tired of being relied on. But i guess, from the other side, those girls who just cry and do nothing when things happen, will not get anything done and at the end, they will just accept things as how they've changed. For me i won't. I am idyllistic. THINGS GOTTA ALWAYS WORK OUT because i've anticipated them to work out. SO THE UNIVERSE MUST WORK MY WAY. Hey im not being arrogant here. Read the secret and u know what i mean. *sigh* Now, i have done my best. I have researched every single detail possible. And the next thing Tom's gotta do it. I can't speak to anyone on behalf of him. Is it possible that, me being a strong girl, can find an even stronger guy (emotionally and spiritually), so whenever i am depressed and problems occur, when i am crying, he can just get things done? Do you think it's possible? Or there isn't any stronger people out there? =( I really really hope things will work out. I know god will bless me. He's been helping me all the way. I know... Please... T_T. *sighs* I hope his parents know how important this is to me. Please be fair. Please compromise =( October 18 What is a valid reason not to leave? I am sure a lot of you have been in a dilemma whether you want to still be together with your bf or just leave and let go? What is a valid reason to stay? Considering that i have already forgot how does love feel like and i don't know how does being in love feel like, so i don't know whether i am in love. It also means i might be in love, and i might not. Then how do i decide whether i wanna stay or leave? One reason i hold on is because, monthniversaries make me happy. It makes me happy when i feel that, ''oh we've already been together for 6 months, 7 months... '' Another reason is because, i have confessed to him everything. Every single fucking detail that no one else know of, so i just don't want to let go because i know i will never tell any other human the same thing. And another reason is because i feel like, ''since we've already been together for so long why not just continue and see what will happen? There isn't something that is really wrong anyway''. But guess what, that might all be my self torturing thought. If a girl comes to me and ask me my opinions. When she tells me all these i will tell her it isn't a reason to continue to be together. Just be courage and let him go. You will never know, the perfect guy might be waiting outside, but you just have to let your current one go in order to receive better ones. I will tell that girl, you are still young, you are not gonna just stick to one man for the rest of your life, so it doesn't matter when you let go and if you feel that it's starting to go wrong, just let go! I will tell the girl, it's just your self torturing thought that's holding you back. All of us like to torture ourselves sometimes, when friends did a small thing that made us unhappy we think bout more bad things that they have done to poison our mind, we torture ourselves. We do mean things so we get scolded, we torture ourselves. We know the relationship isnt a happy one but we stay anyway because we're torturing ourselves. What's the point then? Have the courage to move on. But it's so easy to say. How many people have the courage to walk out of her comfort zone? It's just so hard to get out of a relationship no? It's so hard, and sometimes people just don't wanna be alone. That's why a lot of people ''cheat'', because they make sure they have another better one, before they dump their old ones. *sighs* what is a valid reason to let go? Sometimes, when plans just keep failing, i wonder if it's god's hint to us, that we are not suitable. And since now i cant feel anymore love, isn't it the best time to let go? I am sure i will still miss you, i am sure i will still think of you. But, it'll all fade one day. I know time will cure us. I don't know how to decide... But there is really no point anymore, if we're just gonna be in a LDR. I don't wanna wait anymore. Don't let me wait indefinitely. October 14 My mum fucking threw my birthday present. Yes. She did. A friend gave me a really nice melody cup, and when i received it i was so happy and i shouted to her, ''im gonna bring this to Australia with me and use it after i reach there''. I told a lot of people. I really like that cup. So i keep it in the box, inside the box there're two cards. One is from the friend, another one is from a lot of friends. Today i saw the cup in kitchen. I don't know how many people have used it. AND MY MUM THREW THE REMAINING OF THE PRESENT. I want that box so that the cup can be in the box okay?!?!?! I WANT THOSE CARDS OKAY?!?!?!? NO ONE FUCKING THROW BIRTHDAY CARDS OKAY? NO ONE FUCKING THROW BIRTHDAY CARDS WITH EVERYONE'S WISHES TO YOU OKAY?!?!?!??! FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. so okay, i am angry, WHAT DO U SAY? I am not filial? FUCK YOU. This is my blog. And i just want my present BACK. I am really really sad and angry. I can't believe she did it. I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE. WHY DO PEOPLE WANNA THROW MY PRESENT? I m so upset... ... =( I really liked it... fuck. T_T. I don't know what can i do... The ''rubbish'' are carried away by garbage collector... I don't know who can i contact to get the plastic bag back... October 07 This is a pink world Okay, maybe not pink, maybe it's just yellow now! Hmm... what has the Universe bring me today that i can be grateful about. Well i THINK i once mentioned that i got backstabbed by 2 colleagues and so one of my bosses have really bad impression bout me right? Just now in the afternoon, i was really shocked, he suddenly talked to me and said i'm doing GREAT at work, and he gave me a smile and 2 thumbs up! OMG. My eyeballs almost pop out. I mean it's not like i didn't expect it though, he's been asking me bout status reports and stuff and i told him i've done everything. And just now he said ''thank you, you're doing really great. Really, you're great.''. I was so happy you know! Soooo happy that it's almost criminal! I mean, i don't wanna be blue and need people to approve me as a 'good worker'. I know i am good. I know i've always been like this and i know the way he treated me wasn't personal because he's just seeing an image that the 2 colleagues portrayed. So i shouldn't take it personally, BUT STILL! When he finally sees me, i am still touched you know. =D I am happy at work. I am willing to do everything cos i know i LOVE these things. I know i dislike one colleague and almost the whole office dislike her because she's a big negative energy spreader. That's why i felt rebellious and felt like ''why the hell should i do your stuff'', but, i've looked at things from a different angle few weeks ago. I know i love these stuff, then why stop liking just because of her? It's not exactly ''her'' stuff, the work belongs to the company, taking work that she gives doesn't mean helping her. It's not hers. She's just another employee too. The work is firm's and i am grateful to the firm for giving me all these wonderful experiences. So why feel unhappy while doing work when i like it and i am grateful? No way because of her i be angry because i don't wanna absorb her negative energy!! =) Happy at work. And, hmmm Tom. He was jealous because of something, and that feels sorta sweet cos he really cares? I mean i don't want him to feel upset and stuff, so i definitely will explain to him and stuff, but once in a while showing your vulnerable side still makes me feel sweet cos it shows how important i am to you? And, IM GONNA HAVE MY OWN FISH SPA SOON! Hahahhahaha, as soon as i get to Kiama, Tom's pond's fishes are gonna all be substituted by small fish that will bite off my dead skin. And the whole family can just put their feet into the pond! Yay! Have i mentioned Tom has an amazing pond at home? It's just those kinda pond where people in Brunei needs like almost 10k to renovate and build it maybe? It's just like a theme park's pond man!!!!! Don't be crazy eh! I told Tom something, i said the best bf need not necessarily be the richest, the best bf is the kind of guy who would want to give their gf everything (or almost) that they have, and they are clever and has potential to be successful. Don't you think its pretty useless if a guy is rich but he's only willing to share 40% of his stuff with his gf. It's very hard for him to share more i guess as you can't change a person's nature. How bout getting a bf who will give you 90% of his wealth, it'll be easier to wait until he becomes successful! *calculative* hahahaha! This idea arises from Tom saying he will buy perfume costing 200 dollars for me but he would never spend 200 dollars on a perfume for himself. And i actually said the same as well? I said i wont really buy a 200 dollar perfume for myself but if it's his gift i would. HAHAHA now that i think back, i would buy it for myself as well i guess...? >.< Yep. So i am very grateful that he's mine! And, i am very grateful that i'll be going to Melbourne!!! It's gonna be so much fun!!! I haven't started planning where to go yet hahaha but i'm soooo excited! I am gonna start looking at all the accomodations and stuff. And i cant wait for the Orientation week! All those clubs that i can join! Whooot they have performing club!! And also, Queenie asked me to join a singing competition with her in April next year! Queenie said there's like place for karaoke in the campus!!! But no one acc her to sing k so CHIAW YEE SHALL BE THE ONE! Haha! =D It's gonna be so much fun. I'll have an awesome roommate who sleeps very late and stuff, HAHA then we're gonna talk when i feel unhappy or can't sleep. And she'll be so awesome in cooking and she'll volunteer to cook for me! Haha hmm what can i do for her.. Maybe i can.. sing for her...? I don't know! Anyway she's gonna be really nice and stuff. I'll have great time in Uni just like in Form 6! And i am gonna performmmmm there and go shopping a lot =D And very soon i'll be able to visit Wansien in UK =p And when i can't sleep Tom can hug me to sleep! Haha i don't know where does Tom come from, maybe teleport ;) Anyway i don't need to know how the Universe will arrange itself. I am sure things will be fine and life will be all pink! Look at how my work environment manifested just by trusting the Universe for two days! This is gonna cause a significant change in my Visa thing as well. Need not worry! *manifests* |
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